Brooke,

Pretty cool that your brother is a writer. I feel almost foolish attempting to peer review your work.

I think the trip to the book store for a book tour is a good choice. There is a lot of opportunity for rich detail setting the scene that I’m sure your final draft will reflect. If your looking to expand the detail in your scene maybe include some info on the demographic present. Is it really young kids or mostly parents just looking for a gift for their kids. I like the use of dialogue from the crowd. It helps draw the reader in, and get a better sense of what the atmosphere was like. As your brother seems to be the focus of the piece make sure to describe him physically, what’s he wearing, what’s his mood like ect. Also you could explain in detail some of the interactions that occur when your brother is actually signing books.

I look forward to reading the final draft,

Rob

Hey Paige,

Great work on the rough draft of your essay.

1. The summary overall works. I can clearly see that the author is trying to convey his experiences with racial issues in the United States. One part could be a little clearer I think. The part where you are describing the photograph. It seems like the photograph is secret or taboo. Is it because the photograph would prove or disprove the birth certificate saying “white” or “black”? Again I could just be missing the point, but I had to read it a few times to get an idea of why the picture was important.
2. The response piece is excellent. You use your own experiences to draw comparisons, and I think it really draws the reader in. Its horrible that you had to go through that as a child, and I think its powerful to use your voice on paper to try and promote change/bring attention to a problem still persisting in our society today.
3. I think there are a few places you could break up some paragraphs. I would break the summary into 2 parts: The photograph portion, and the racial status piece after. Its kind of nit picky, but it might help focus both ideas more clearly if they are separated. “After being gifted the photo”, I would cut it somewhere around there.
4. The citations at the end look good to me. Only thing I can see is “(citation #)” . Not sure if this is just for your own knowledge, but if you intend to have in line citations I would use a subscript like this_{citation 1}  This is accomplished by going to the text tab above and inserting _{your citation}

Good luck on the final draft, hope any of this helps.

-Rob

Luke-

Great work on the rough draft of your essay. Overall, I think it’s well done, and you use good detail in a lot of places. I think your main point is to illustrate that people need to get out and enjoy the outdoors now, because someday global warming/climate change could change that. It seemed like you were probably not remotely interested in going hiking but were pleasantly surprised with how much you enjoyed it. A couple lines that stuck out to me:
1. “But I was particularly interested in finishing up the main campaign of The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim, New Super Mario Bros. U, or anything else honestly.”
This one I just like because when I was on deployment we stopped in Italy for a day and we bought an Italian Xbox and bought Oblivion so I’m familiar with the Elder Scrolls series. It also gives the reader a sense of your reluctant mood to go on this hike.

2. “With the constant damaging of our environment due to deforestation, air pollution, and poor recycling practices, our day of reckoning may be sooner than we anticipate.”
I think this line kind of states your universal message. Get out and experience the outdoors because it might not always be there ect.

There are a few places where the detail was particularly good, for instance:
“Fresh smells of pine and dew from the rain the prior night invaded my nostrils, surprising my body. After the initial surprise, my body grew accustomed, and came to enjoy the tangible genuinity of this environment.”
I like these couple of lines because I can clearly imagine the sensation you get when you plunge into the woods and smell nothing but pine needles and thick fresh air. I also liked this bit about the cliff face:
“For about 30 yards in front of us was one slick sheet of marble white rock, approaching our impending doom – a cliff – at a 45 degree angle. Trees found their ways into the sheet like hair follicles, spread sporadically across the plane.”
This gives the reader a pretty good description of what you are facing. I liked the metaphor you used to describe the trees.

I think you could expand the details in a couple places however. After the initial slide on the ice you could explain some more about how the rest of the climb went in more detail. Especially the bit about Mt.Dickey. We could use some detail about how the second portion of the hike went. Were you exhausted? Did you barely make it? Some things like that could help.

Organizationally/structure wise I think the piece is good. The use of dialogue in the lead makes me interested to continue reading. The order of events is clear. I would ask what happened with your siblings? Were they just on the drive and not the hike? Not super important to the narrative but I figured id ask. I also like that you included (what I assume) is a picture of mount Welch/Dickey. I like that you put it towards the end of the piece, so you have a chance to describe the place before showing us exactly what it looks like.

I think you have a good start to a memoir here. Apart from a few wonky sentences there isn’t any major grammatical errors I can see. The best parts of this essay so far are your reflections towards the end. It gives good insight into your frame of mind.

Great start to the memoir. Polish it up a bit and you’re in good shape. Good luck!